And I took the one that’s taken by almost everyone at this phase. Nothing great. The title was just a little clickbait (and a bad one at that) but it’d actually be a lie. It’s more of a road I have been traversing on for a while now. For context, as I write this I am just about two days away from taking arguably the biggest leap forward in life — I begin an MBA at INSEAD (see what I mean by taking a road taken by many?)
Back in 2008, our school made us fill this little form which was to act like a time capsule. It had some questions on what we were doing then, what we were to do immediately after and where we saw ourselves 20 years from then. My 15 year old self at that point aimed to be in the field of pure sciences and was pretty sure that I would be pursuing a PhD in optics. This was a pretty good plan and I was quite sure I would be doing so. In fact, my following year was spent in working towards it, but then things happened and I ended up in a different field. Law, in case you needed a reminder. What happened in law school was another mystery and one thing led to another and I came out to become a management consultant. <Insert jokes about us taking your watch to tell you the time. Joke’s on you if could tell the time you wouldn’t have hired us.>
Absolutely outlasted the three year timeline that I’d given myself to stay in consulting and ended up being there for seven years. I’m glossing over a lot of things that happened in between, you can look at my LinkedIn for the details. At some point though, one did need to progress professionally and look for some of that sweet international mobility (read: working abroad and with a different passport hopefully) and so an MBA made sense. A lot more sense at this point than it ever did before. Not sure if it objectively makes sense, but here we are.
I’ll be honest, this was a long process. The decision to do or not do was one I dilly-dallied for a long time. My earliest plan was to spend 2, maybe 3 years in consulting, study and then work somewhere (solid plan as you can see). But as I got further into my work, I quickly learnt that my colleagues (mostly with Indian MBAs) didn’t really bring much to the table that I did not have (I mean no offence, I wish to highlight equal amount of work experience here) and therefore an Indian MBA made no sense at that point. This further extended into the MBA as a whole making no sense because I did not want to do something that I felt wouldn’t actually further any academic or practical knowledge. I kept going in this manner and sure enough, six years in the workforce went by. At some point, post the plague, however, I did realize that I had some other latent ambitions that were not going to be attained without some major shake ups. A lot of thinking happened (for a change) and finally the MBA came out to be the winner (?) and I decided to do a one year MBA to act as a bridge between me working in India and me working not in India.
Some thoughts, conversations and decisions later, I did decide on applying to INSEAD and with the help of a lot of people, I got in etc. etc. and that brings us to where this piece began.
What’s the point of this piece, then, you ask? It’s because it’s an elaborate response to the question, “How do you feel about it?” that I’ve got multiple times now and despite the myriad of adjectives I have used before, I hadn’t really been able to put forth what I felt properly. Therefore, I thought I’d do what I do best and write it down instead of saying it out because why not.
When I looked back at the several texts that I have sent out, I found some key themes in what I am feeling.
Trepidation
Not much of an explanation needed here. This is a big step forward which is something I had very consciously worked towards, yet was plagued with doubts at every point. Those doubts ranged from wondering if I am worth the program, its pedigree and rigour; to wondering if I’m being unnecessarily ambitious and shooting too far out; to pondering if I even would be able to go back to studying after so many years of being out of that environment.
I found that one of the biggest questions that loomed in my head was that of wondering if I’ve made the right decision at the right time. Should I have done this now/later/never? Is this the right school? Am I the right candidate?
I found that there probably is no singular right answer for this and that I can only look for evidence in action to account for these. It is a fair move at this point. I am old enough to manage it, but not too old to be inflexible to change. It’s the right school because they chose me and I chose them. Neither really said no at any point in the long admission process.
That leads me to my next feeling.
Wonder
I am a curious individual by nature and while that helps for the most part, it is not very good for one who also likes certainty. You see, when there’s a lot of uncertainty around anything, one tends to start filling up that lack of knowledge either with half-baked knowledge or with worry. Guess which one I tend towards?
It’s neither. It’s been a long road to learning how to not respond to something that I do not by making what-if scenarios instead of just submitting myself to those situations and taking them as they come. It takes a lot of restraint to bring one’s horizon down to one week or even one day at a time and try not to care too much about not knowing. I won’t lie, it’s excessively difficult for someone like me who likes to have things in life planned to the T (no pun intended). I am, through this time leading up to b-school, enjoying the wonder of discovery. In a way this is taking me back to my childhood when I could truly just take things from one day to the next and not really have to plan anything beyond packing my book bag for the next day.
This has been a rather curious phase wherein I have had to unlearn the habit of planning things to the nth level of detail and let myself keep the magic and the wonder alive for a while without trying to go in armed to the teeth knowing everything that I will do. For the moment the only things I know I will do for sure are running and working out frequently. Everything else will come as it does and I’ll deal with it then.
Burdened
One lives with a lot of material possessions as has been learnt over the past few months during which packing up has been a recurrent theme and primary task for completion. Goddam there’s just so many things that I use on a daily basis that my packing list went into several row items on excel. I always prided myself on being a somewhat minimalist but nope, that’s a lie. I am dependent on many things and I just never knew it because it was all hidden away and neatly set up where it had to be. (My room is uber tidy, okay?)
When I booked my tickets, I was thrilled to get a 40kg allowance a la student privileges. When I actually began the arduous task of packing, I thought that I’d have way more than I’d need and maybe I’ll be a kind, generous soul who’d offer to take someone else’s stuff along with him. Turns out it was not meant to be. Regardless of weight, clothes take up a lot of volume. There is just so much space that my big size 11 shoes take up! Where do I put in the three shorts that I should be giving away but can’t because they’re the most comfortable ones I own! Anyway, I actually ended up changing a bag to get a bigger one because I hit my volume limit far before reaching my weight limit. Genuinely did not think this would be me.
Another round of unlearning occurred here because it struck me that I can’t stick to my house uniforms as I did during working from home. Back then I had earmarked clothes for different days of the week and stuck to that because it just reduced the amount of brainspace I needed for deciding clothes. Alas, that’s not meant to be at b-school. Probably not the best place to be turning up in the same outfit like clockwork!
Excited
At the end of the day, this is a significant achievement and I really shouldn’t be downplaying it — which I have a habit of doing at times. This is a big leap forward and one that is going to be a boost and I am going to take it as a feather in my cap. It ends up seeming a little haughty but well, I think I’ve earned it at this point. If you’ve known me personally, you know how difficult the past 12 months have been and for that alone, this year is going to be one of celebration.
Change
If I had to title the chapter from my autobiography from this phase, this is what it would be. This is something that has characterized the past few months and has become the recurrent expectation from life. I’ve come to realize yet again that no matter what I think I am going to do or what I plan to do, life is going to find a way to change that and give me something totally afresh and make me wade through the waters of challenge and ride the wave of thought to surf into stability (I need a beach vacation, yes).
Life is definitely going to change for me now. It’s going to change for my family. For you and I too, in the way that we have known each other. I’m going to live away from home, by myself, in the midst of some super smart and super charged individuals. I’m leaving the city I grew up in; the locality that’s seen me go from a wee lad to a full grown adult and the roads I’ve run on and walked leisurely on. They aren’t going anywhere and it’s all going to be exactly as it is, but things will change.
But you know what’s not going to change? You and I dear reader. In whatever capacity we’ve known each other. Be it son, brother, friend, partner, colleague, acquaintance, LinkedIn connection, gym buddy whatever. If we’re still talking because of whatever reason, then it’s because you’ve been great to me and I hope to repay that somehow. It means that I have learnt from you and seek to emulate something from you. And that, I can assure you, will not change. You are part of the proverbial village that has raised this child and this child will do you proud.
To new heights and beyond!
